University of Alabama head football coach Kalen DeBoer is standing trial on the charge of “Gross Incompetence.” Today, attorneys for the University, the plaintiff, and for DeBoer, the defendant, will present closing arguments in front of a twelve person jury seated inside the Ferguson Center on the Alabama campus.
THE FOLLOWING TRIAL IS FICTITIOUS. ALL NAMES MENTIONED, NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, VENUES, OR ANYTHING OR PLACE CONTAINED WHEREIN ARE BEING USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
The prosecution has made its case. “Kalen DeBoer has failed miserably representing the University of Alabama as head football coach,” said lead prosecutor Tolya Whenuhiredem to the jury of twelve, which consists of four super fans, four powerful alumni, and four University Regents. “He has run the program into the mud. In just two seasons, his teams have lost eight football games, several of which were in embarrassing fashion,” she added with emphasis, pounding her clenched left fist into the opened palm of her right hand.
“Nick Saban lost eight games, too,” she added, brandishing a smirky smile. “But those came during his final five seasons,” she quipped as she walked pompously in front of the jury.
Pointing to DeBoer she said, “this man has single-handedly reduced a proud, ultra successful program into the abyss of mediocrity.” Onlookers in the packed courtroom gasped. “His teams do not resemble in any way those that his predecessor did. They lack toughness. They lack discipline, but worse still,” she said with a long pause for added emphasis, they lack desire!”
“Members of the jury, the numbers do not lie. I ask that you weigh the evidence presented as you deliberate, I implore you to reach the only sensible decision that can be reached in this case. The defense is going to attempt to paint a rosy picture, one of a nice guy trying his best.” For the first time in the trial, the gathered throng erupted. “Fire him!” “Get him ‘outta here!,” shouted more than a few. “Give the man a chance for crying out loud,” implored others.
“Order in the court, order in the court,” shouted Judge Imin Charghere,” as he pounded his gavel. “Any further outbursts will result in your removal from these proceedings.”
The stunned onlookers, which were represented by wealthy boosters, lifelong season ticket holders, white collar graduates, and the common folk, the latter of which can only catch a glimpse of their beloved Crimson Tide from afar, like on TV or the A-Day game, were emotionally charged.
Thousands more just like them were gathered outside, where entrance to the inside was cordoned off and heavily guarded by Alabama State Troopers, Tuscaloosa County Sheriff’s Deputies, members of the Tuscaloosa Police Department as well as University Police. Overhead, a helicopter circled the Ferguson Center, an iconic University venue.
The event was heavily covered by the media. Every major outlet imaginable, from ESPN all the way down to prominent podcasters. The trial, the first of its kind, was a circus, clowns without a costume.
“Do not allow pity to enter into your decision,” implored prosecutor Whenuhiredem. “Do the right thing. Convict Kalen DeBoer.” With that final instruction, Whenuhiredem informed Judge Imin Charghere, “your honor, the prosecution rests its case.”
“At this time, the court adjourns for a forty-five minute lunch break,” instructed the judge. “When we resume these proceedings, the defense will offer closing arguments.”Members of the jury, you are to remain inside. Your lunch is being catered and is waiting for you in the cafeteria.” You are not to discuss the trial during this hiatus.” “Court is dismissed.”
Inside the packed Ferguson Center, the frail and haggard looking defendant, Kalen DeBoer, smiled. Flanked by his legal team, he ambled to a side door. In just two short years, he looked as though he had aged a decade. Soon, the embattled Alabama leader would learn of his fate.
THE DEFENSE ADDRESSES THE JURY FOR THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENTS
“All rise,” instructed the court reporter. “You may be seated,” instructs Judge Imin Charghere. “The defense will now offer their closing statements.” Lead defense attorney Amos Mersey slowly approached the assembled jury with one slow, deliberate pace at a time before stopping less than two feet away, speechless, hands clasped behind his back. In a soft, monotone voice, he began.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, when accepting the job here at the University, did so knowing the monumental task for which he was taking on.” This man, pointing straight at the defendant, accepted a challenge no one else dared to take.” Kalen DeBoer is a man that represents everything a college football coach is supposed to.” “He had the audacity to replace arguably the greatest college football to ever walk the face of the earth.” “Kalen DeBoer, one year prior to accepting the Alabama job, took a Washington Husky team to the championship game the year before his arrival here at the Capstone. He did so with a roster that wasn’t saturated with four and five star players. Instead, he infused his teams with players that fit his scheme, and that alone is a prime example of his ability to coach at an elite level.”
“Members of the jury, Kalen DeBoer led his football team to a number one regular season finish in the SEC last season. His team went on the road, in a hostile environment, and defeated Oklahoma in the College Football Playoff.”
“It’s absurd and irresponsible for his employer to attempt to oust him on the heels of such a feat. I ask the jury to exercise common sense. I ask the jury to block out the nonsensical and irrational noise that brought us here today. I ask the jury to come out of deliberations with the only verdict that makes sense. I ask the jury to acquit!”
“Your honor,” Mersey said to Judge Charghere, the defense rests.” The Judge, turning to the jury, instructs them the pre trial rules for the deliberation process.
“As was discussed and made plain pretrial, you are to deliberate until you have reached a unanimous decision. In the event that you do not do so, a hung jury will result in the verdict being reached by the court, and at that time, as agreed to prior to these proceedings, the decision will be made from the bench.” “You are adjourned until a verdict is reached.”
THREE HOURS LATER A VERDICT HAS BEEN REACHED
Outside Ferguson Center, word spread that a verdict had been reached. The media talking heads went live, all providing individual takes on the trial and their individual views on the spectacle surrounding it.
The crowd of spectators, perhaps a couple of thousand at the onset, had now mushroomed, according to one media report, to seven or eight thousand. Students, truck drivers, loggers, housewives, husbands, all who bled Crimson.
Signs, from primitively patched together to those elaborately fashioned, all offering opinions pro and con. Authorities, abundant in number, helped squelch any violent outbreaks, although more than a few drunkards tangled. Not a single incident was attributed to the trial itself. Rather, most were spawned by testosterone or someone taking offense because Jim Bob didn’t like the way Scooter was, at least in his intoxicated, paranoid way of thinking, was hitting up on Belinda Sue.
COURT RECONVENES FOR THE READING OF THE VERDICT
Inside Ferguson Center, an overflow buzz of chatter emanated throughout. Judge Imin Charghere enters the hall. “All rise,” instructs the bailiff. “You may be seated,” instructs the Judge. “Jury foreperson, have you reached a verdict,” “We have, your honor.” “What say you,” asks Judge Charghere. “Your honor, the jury is hopelessly deadlocked.”
DeBoer, the defendant, remains stoic, exhibiting no outward signs of duress. “So noted,” the Judge replied. “As determined before the onset of these proceedings, a locked jury will not result in a retrial,” said Judge Charghere. “Instead, as per the pretrial agreement sanctioned by the prosecution and the defense, the court will decide the outcome and render a judgment from the bench.” “I have listened to both sides of the argument as presented by both parties. Court will resume at 9 AM tomorrow morning for the verdict to be read.” “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your service.” You are hereby prohibited from public comment and forbidden to be interviewed by any form of news media. You are dismissed. Court is adjourned.”
2026 SEASON IN REVIEW AND THE LOSS THAT RESULTED IN THE DeBOER TRIAL
For the second time in three seasons, Alabama failed to qualify for the twelve team CFB Playoff. The Tide finished eleventh in the final playoff rankings, which would have been good enough to qualify the season before, but new rules were introduced prior to the 2026 season that allows for Notre Dame to be guaranteed a berth in the playoffs as long as they are ranked at least #12 in the final CFB Playoff rankings. Because a Group of 5 team, regardless of rank, is guaranteed a spot in the playoff, and although Alabama finished #11, the Irish, who finished #12, bumped Alabama, leaving the Crimson Tide on the outside looking in. Alabama finished SEC play tied for second place with Ole Miss, but their 9-3 overall record was not as good as Ole Miss, who finished 10-2 overall, and Johnny Reb U went on to lose to eventual SEC Champion Vanderbilt in the SEC title. The deal breaker was a second consecutive loss to an inferior Florida State team in Tuscaloosa. The Seminoles finished the season 5-7, and fans forced the University to sue DeBoer, resulting in an arbitration, trial type proceeding.
JUDGE IMIN CHARGHERE RULES
“All rise,” shouts the bailiff as Judge Imin Charghere enters the makeshift courtroom at Ferguson Center. “Be seated,” instructed the Judge. With that, the Judge read his decision.
“I have spent the last twelve hours reviewing, and subsequently contemplating, the evidence presented in the case,” began the judge. “Ultimately I reached a decision that did not come with a great deal of difficulty. Without delving into who did or did not make a strong case relative to the defendant, the court rules on the side of Mr DeBoer. He is still in the rebuild status. His teams, regardless of that rebuild, have been at or near the top performance wise in comparison to other programs across the country. There has been no obvious reason demonstrated by the defendant that would warrant a justification for his dismissal. These proceedings have come to a conclusion. Court is dismissed.”
And so it was. DeBoer remained afloat, navigating treacherous seas with a rising tide surrounding him. “Wake up coach,” said a nearby swimmer on the pristine waters of Alabama’s gulf coast. Startled, and hyperventilating, DeBoer opened his eyes. “Man, I just had a terrible nightmare.” “I’m sorry, coach. You look petrified.” “That’s because I am,” answered the coach. “Hey, buddy.” “Yeah, coach,” answered his agent. “Get on the phone to Washington, will ya?” I’m ready to go back.” “I can’t take much more of this.”
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